The most toxic lies are those that we tell to ourselves.

The ones we tell ourselves are absolutely the truth to us. They are disguised as the truth and hide all rational for perspective; they mangle reality and obviate all possibility for authentic love.


People will fight you for their limitations”  unknown author

I find this every day…. people have incredible fear around being great. They have no problem with shaming, degrading, and guilting themselves, but give them a compliment, show them authentic support, and they will shove it off like water off a duck’s back.

Defining commitment

The word “commitment” is one of those strange words that normally the definition of it, is given to us. It normally is not something we go to the dictionary and look up.  The definition in the context of relationship is especially important, and there again, the definition is normally given to us without the option to question it.

In the past when patients come into my office to talk about an “affair”, which I quickly change to “secondary relationship” to take the shame out of it, I ask them their definition of “commitment”.  Without fail and without a single exception over the decades of doing this work, the eyes roll back in their heads and they give me some response that includes being indebted to another, trapped.  Nothing will set a person up faster for failure than feeling trapped and indebted to someone or something. If you put an animal in a cage, will they not look for any opportunity to escape, especially if their needs are not being met?  Why would human beings be any different? There is an old Blues song from the 1930’s, where a Billy Holiday-esk voice sings about “when the home fires are burning, there’s no need to go lookin for a new log…”  and so it is with commitment in relationships.

Commitment has to be solely to one’s self.  Nothing else will forge a successful intimacy based relationship. When you are committed to showing up fully in a relationship it means that you are going to tell the absolute truth. When you commit to telling the truth, you grow in self esteem, integrity and trust. When the person you have chosen to make that commitment with, to show up 100%, it means you have found someone that is able to do the same with you.  There are no white lies, no deceptions, and no need to lie.  Period.

The dynamic that must accompany that is also “not to take anything personally.” Nothing they reflect to you is about you, or was meant to hurt you.  You can not take anything personally.

Fear and the Lazy Brain

I was asked recently how to manage “Fear”.  We all have it, but first we have to know what purpose it serves.

As a child it serves to protect you from experiences that could potentially hurt you.  As an adult, it keeps you from experiencing LIFE.

The Human Brain is very lazy. It stores experiences and then when you are exposed to a new situation, it automatically goes back to the old data bank and says “is there anything REMOTELY similar to this?”  Normally, there is, and it remembers how you coped with that event. Does not matter if you were 5 years old or 75 years old. What ever you did, you survived to be able to talk about it… so it worked!  Being LAZY, it gives you an unconscious message to DO THE SAME THING AGAIN!  Never mind that the situations are only remotely similar (think relationships here), So you repeat the dynamics over and over… which puts you in Einstein’s definition of INSANITY:  doing the same thing over and over and EXPECTING a different result.

Therefore, what is the purpose of fear?  The brain gives you fear because it does not know the outcome of a NEW decision!!!  The old one worked because you are literally alive to talk about it !  A new decision will lead to different results, and thus more life. Then you are under different rules; “that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger!”

Go up against your fears!  Live life on YOUR TERMS!  Develop compassion, generosity and Love.




In my travels I spent time with a great yogi.

Once he said to me.

“Become so still you hear the blood flowing through your veins.”

One night as I sat in quiet, I seemed on the verge of entering a world inside so vast

I know it is the source of all of us.

Author unknown